Feeling Guilty

You have no choice but to remake your life when your partner dies. You can't keep the same old life; it just isn't possible no matter how much you loved that person or that life.

So you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what you want now and how to go about getting it. For months, maybe even years, you may not have a clue as to what you really want your new life to be. Part of what holds you back is guilt. You feel guilty for wanting something you didn't have when you and your partner were together. It feels like maybe you didn't love him enough because you want something new. And so you feel guilty for wanting to build that new life that you have no choice but to build.

When you live with another person, you make compromises. Decisions are what we want, not just what I want. Some of those decisions will be revisited in creating a new life. Many of those compromises no longer serve a purpose, yet it's hard to do the things you wanted, but he didn't. It's hard to admit there are things you want that you didn't have before. It's hard to realize that there are new possibilities that were out of the question before. Not because you didn't want them, but because we didn't want them. Of course your partner made similar compromises for you, but logic doesn't come into emotional blackmail - especially when the person doing the blackmailing is yourself. (Hey who knows your weak spots better than you do?)

It's taken two years, but now I know that Karl wouldn't want me to keep making compromises that are no longer relevant. He would want me to be happy and reach for a new life because he loved me. It's OK to want something new or to bring up dreams that were left behind when we got together. It doesn't lessen the love we had or mean we didn't have a great life together. It just means it's time to go on something else.

Still not sure what form my life will take, but I'm starting to take the steps now. And if, in three or four years, I look back and realize I'm wondrously happy, it won't mean I was unhappy when we were together. You can love more than one person or more than one life. There are times when the right thing right now wasn't the right thing 10 or 20 years ago. And that's OK. No need to feel guilty.