A Sense of Safety

Karl was my Rock - -the person who was always there for me. When he died the world got a lot scarier. I had money issues, I was hurting, I was lonely. And my Rock wasn't there to help. In short, I was terrified.

I found that many of the issues that I had thought I dealt with earlier in my life came up. I had been attacked in the office when I was in my 20s. I hadn't really thought about it in years, suddenly, I couldn't work in an office if people could approach me from behind where I couldn't see them. Thank God I had a workplace that was willing to let me have a cubicle that backed up to the outside wall. And they didn't make me move when the new team I got assigned to was in another space with no walls. I can't even begin to express how much it has helped that I have an understanding workplace.

I am slowly feeling more confident. I'm not totally there yet, but I'm not as afraid as I was two years ago when Karl died. I can see that someday my sense of safety will return.

Writing this blog is helping with that - being able to express the way I feel has helped reduce the fear. Another thing that has helped is starting a 12 week Artist's Way group. Week one is about safety and part of that is talking about the fears and negative things that have caused us to be creatively blocked. People need a feeling of safety to be able to take the risk of being creative. Writing about what has caused a lack of confidence helps you see that other people's opinions aren't always the truth about you. Thinking about the source of some issues and seeing the positives as well as the negatives makes it easier to feel a sense of safety.

My safety has to reside inside me; I know that now. There will be backtracking and bad days, I'm sure but I can do this. The worst has happened and I'm still here, still coping.

As my sense of safety is starting to increase, I want to reach out to help others. There is a dog that I am considering adopting who has been abused and needs a good solid home and a person who will be patient and help him get confidence in people. I have to take my current dog to meet him, but I'm pretty sure he is the one I will try to help. But even if he and Rusty don't click, there will be another little dog who needs my help soon. It's important to me to help an abused animal. My mom said on the phone, you can't help all of them and that's true, but I can help one of them. I suspect it will help me as much as it helps him.