Cranky, Whiny, Bitch Girl

One of the the things about the grief process is that you lose yourself for awhile. Sometimes you turn into this person you don't even like very much or who seems like a stranger.

Me, I turned into cranky, whiny, bitch girl. I was very easily upset, I felt a little like I was was coming across as poor little me (well to be honest, I felt a lot like poor little me), and I got angry so much more easily than at any other time in my life. I did things I wouldn't normally do; I complained and cried and sighed and screamed and cried some more. I'm an introvert and usually I'm pretty adept at keeping my emotions to myself, but cranky, whiny, bitch girl sure didn't keep any of her emotions to herself and none of her emotions were pretty. Sometimes I was amazed that anyone I knew was still talking to me.

For a year and half at least, I was not fun to be around. Even at work I had trouble staying professional. It didn't help that the workplace made some policy changes that I strongly disagreed with and in cranky, whiny, bitch girl mode, I had no trouble at all letting them know. Well, maybe I should have kept my mouth shut a couple of times, but they hit every one of my psychological triggers. And I was in no mood to play nice. I have to thank my coworkers for understanding that I wasn't myself and giving me the benefit of the doubt. I didn't want to be that awful person, I just couldn't stop myself.

Two years later, I still have cranky, whiny, bitch girl moments although they are getting farther apart and now mostly hit when I'm really, really tired. I'm glad to see her leaving. I didn't like being unable to control my emotions and I don't care for the feelings that I felt. I knew it was all part of the grief process, but still...cranky, whiny, bitch girl? Really, did I have to go there?

I grew up being the good girl, the nice girl, the one who followed the rules. I had no idea that side of me even existed. Well, if there was any positive to this at all, at least I realized how easily I could be pushed into being angry and out of control and that it was best to express emotions before they got to that point. I've suppressed my emotions (except around the very few people I trust) for so long, that I'm not sure I can do that long term, but at least I'm going to try. 'Cause I sure don't ever want to descend into cranky, whiny, bitch girl again.