The Look

If you've suffered a serious grief, chances are you seen the Look. You know the “Oh please, hasn't she gotten over this” look or maybe the “Don't annoy me with your pathetic emotions” look or even the “How inappropriate of you to be talking about such an uncomfortable subject” look.

We all know the Look. It's the one that trivializes your grief and makes you feel less than nothing for having sad feelings. It's the one that says don't bother me; I can't be bothered with your pathetic emotions; I'm too important for you to bother with this.

The trouble with the look is that it makes the person who is grieving feel worse for not being Little Miss Happy Sunshine. It tells you clearly that the other person doesn't care about you and thinks he or she is much more important than you are.

Oddly, I never get the Look from strangers when I happen to mention my beloved who died or my grief or anything to do with mourning. No, the Look comes from relatives and friends and co-workers. It wounds so deeply precisely because it comes from the very people you expected to support you in your grief.

Sometimes, it's not even a look but a sudden silence when you say something or a drastic change of topic. At any rate the common theme is that it says, “Your grief is unimportant, I don't want you to talk about it.”

There is nothing guaranteed to make me angrier than the Look. All those people who don't want me to talk about the event that most affected my life or the 26 years of life that preceded it are going to be disappointed in me, because I will talk about this and the Look will make me more determined to tell you about it. I don't give into the Look and shut up like a nice girl. So try to have a little compassion for those of us suffering grief and don't make it worse by making us feel we can't talk about the most significant event in our lives because it's too sad for someone who only has to spend five minutes with it. I have to spend a lifetime with it, so forgive me for not feeling very willing to accommodate your lack of sensitivity.

Not all of us who are grieving want to talk about it, I can respect either choice. But when someone does want to talk, don't cut them off with the Look. Honor their grief and treat them like a person worth listening to.